What Do I want?

I remember when I was a child, a notion used to visit my mind and drive me crazy and I always strived to ward it off, but it used to linger and pay me visits every now and then. Yes it might have had its religious roots, but it is more of an existential inquiry rather than a purely religious one. Today, similar notions, are troubling me again and they are having devastating effects.

Before falling asleep, my brain used to wonder on how this world is filled with routine in every way of life. Everyone has his way of spending his day and night. Some people may counter my words and say that what matters is the experiences one goes through every day and not what may appear as a routine. For you to know the quality of one person’s life, you should go deep in the quality of their routine, for it may be a pleasing one. But can we use positive descriptions for routine. I am still ambivalent about this and I think there is no one absolute answer.

Those days as a child, I used to assume, if I am in heaven already and already given my place for eternity, as it is said to be, how long will I like what I am doing there. I used to sense my reactions those days. Alas, it was disturbing my fragile childish heart and I was always feeling my heart getting shattered. I used to murmur some words hoping that this thought will leave my brain.

I learnt to suppress it for it is utter blasphemy to some people but I once had the chance to express it and I remember getting a very superficial reply that made me realize that this question is a very hard one and it should be avoided. I grew and it grew suppressed in my subconscious, I was searching for the answer wherever I thought I could get one. Actually I got answers that were soothing for some time, but I would soon feel that the answers were not really satisfying and I would again feel that contorted feeling so bad.

Yes, it is the reaction that is problematic and not the mere imagination. I take a step forward when I have this imagination. I go on trying to feel how I might react if I am in the situation, for I want to know how I am going to feel, for that will keep me ready to face it at that time.

This is anxiety. When you get stressed by what is not there. When you get stressed by mere thoughts formed by your withered mind. When you stress yourself for the unknown.

Today, with a more mature brain, I suffer similar anxiety, yet due to worldly issues, and I am sure that any intelligent psychotherapist will trace my troubles of anxiety back to this ultimate one, telling me that if I deal with this one and come up with a solution for it, then the rest will follow. Today, a deep ache of “then what” is recurring in myself. I imagine myself reacting to the moment when I get what I have been striving for. I then ask “then what”. If I reached my goals and got my rewards “then what?”

I believe that this is an erroneous projection that I am making as I picture the scene in a very marred manner. Why is it marred? Because one can hardly picture a future scene with all its details and the effects it will cast upon the person who is in the situation. I am projecting my current feelings into a future happening, if it will happen. It is like I am in 2004 and thinking what if someone gives me a document of 4GB where will I put all the files.Today I can easily have it in my flash but at that time if I imagine to be in such a situation that I should have some files at the moment and go with it, I will be utterly overwhelmed. 

So, maybe the tools of my mind are what cause me to feel this poignant feeling. I am deeply anxious and I always remind myself to live the present experiences and embrace the coming more fully, yet I realized that also deep empathetic experiences are somewhat overwhelming. They are formed by an amalgamation of euphoria and melancholy. It is either I am an unstable person or since I underwent remarkable changes in my life, my brain tuning wasn’t able to comport in the right manner.

To be continued.