Aggression is not always excused!!

Aggression can’t be fully removed from a person but some people know how to modulate it. People who are not able to control their bursts are not eligible of being social beings, but we should keep in mind that the matter is bidirectional. People who are not listened to and attended with focus are those who have to live with severed limbic connections which make them get back to society with fractured behaviors.

Fractured behaviors are behaviors that appear abnormal, repulsive, and by no means creative. Some people could show some behaviors that do digress from the general norms, yet these behaviors have within them some call of creativity and they come back with some benefits for society. Those who do things at the wrong time, at the wrong place, in the wrong way, lack the social modulation to be part of a functioning schematic interactive humanistic edifice.

Allowing yourself to flourish and allowing others to flourish as long as they won’t produce notions that shall limit you is key to build a self-developing society. 

Lessons Learning... Trying to put them in my life.

In this writing, the quotes are taken from "the rules to students and teachers", by John Cage and sister Corita Kent. I followed each quote with short sentences which popped in my mind as I was reading them. 

“Consider everything an experiment”

If we are able to embrace our loses too and be able to create an internal perspective of such quality, we would live healthier. Realizing that life is always beneficial shall enable us to get the best out of the present and by that create a better future. .

“Be self disciplined. This means finding someone wise or smart and choosing to follow them”

Doing such an act with personal will is great. No one imposing such a notion and no one coercing you to follow a person is wise. Be keen in realizing that following such a  person should help you understand yourself in a deeper fashion and reward you currently and on the long run.

“Nothing is a mistake. There’s no win and no fail. There’s only make”

Don’t view anything you do as a waste of time. Understand your immense path. Expect benefits but don’t structure them.

“The only rule is work”

Work means movement. Ir is action whether physical or mental . To reach your aim, you must work for you growth.

“Don’t try to create and analyze at the same time. They are different processes.”

From a biological perspective, putting yourself in the state of protection and growth is stressful and it can alter your normal physiology and make it haywire. I find these two sentences quite same. Engaging your brain in two different and highly demanding thought processes ruins your capacity to function. When you form a goal, work on it to the end and don’t analyze, and don’t be hasty for the end result. Invest in the creation process.

“Be yourself whenever you can mange it. Enjoy yourself. It’s lighter than you think”

We create world modalities within ourselves. We accept systems that guide us. We are able to alter our perception and by that our experience could be as well altered. 

ما هي أول لغة نطق بها الإنسان؟

قد يظن البعض أن الجواب لهذا السؤال سهل وهو في الحقيقة صعب جدا ولكن البعض لديه الجواب وهم الذين يعرفون الأجوبة قبل أن يطرحوا أسئلتهم. نحن كائنات ناطقة وقدرتنا اللغوية معقدة جدا ويصعب تحليلها وقد ذهب البعض لأن يقول أن فائدة اللغة في الأصل ليس التحدث وإنما التفكير. إذا نظرنا بعمق لوجدنا أننا نفكر بقدر ما نملك من ملكة لغوية. إذا تفكرت في ذاتك قليلا على أن ليس لديك لغة فكيف لك أن تفكر.أنت تفكر باستخدام اللغة, وهي موجودة في أدمغتنا ولكنها كيف أوجدت وكيف تطورت وكيف بدأنا؟ إذا نظرت إلى ما هو أمامك الأن وفكرت أن تفعل حركة ستلاحظ أن عقلك يبدأ يتعامل مع المحيط وفق المسيمات للأشياء التي حولك.

حاول فريدريك الثاني, في القرن الثالث عشر, أن يعرف ما هي اللغة الأصلية للإنسان. هل هي العربية ام العبرية ام اللاتينية؟ 

 أتى بمواليد لم يسمعوا حوار منطوقا بوعي ووضعهم في منزل واتى بمربيات على أن لا يكلموهم أبدا. كان الهدف من وجود المربيات والممرضات فقط لإعطائهم الطعام وتنظيف المكان وأراد أن يعرف ما هي اللغة التي سوف ينطق بها هؤلاء الأطفال. قبل أن نكمل القصة لنعلم أن البشر يدرجون مع الثدييات ونحن كائنات عاقلة ويتمحور حياتنا في التعاطي مع الأخرين. نحن نعبر عن أحاسيسنا وما نشعر به من حزن وفرح باستخدام اللغة وهي الممر بين القلوب وبين العقول. نرى نسب الإكتئات مرتفعة بعض الشيء عند الذين ينعزلون من المجتمع وهذا يعكس مدى تعلق الإنسان بالأخر. هذا حال الكبار فما بال الصغار الذين لم تتكون القشرة الحديثة بشكل كامل حيث بامكانهم أن يسوغوا تبريرات منطقية لذواتهم حتى يتعايشوا مع وضعهم الذي يبدوا عصيبا. الكائن الصغير يعيش على عقلة الطبيعي الذي لا يزال يتابع أين الأمان وكيف أبعد من الخطر. ماذا حدث للأطفال الذين كانوا تحت دراسة الإمبراطور الروماني. مات الأطفال كلهم قبل أن ينطقوا كلمة. إذن, ما هي الطريقة كي نعرف ما هي اللغة الأولى؟ يجب أن نعرف ما هي اللغة وما هي مكونات اللغة وهل الأصوات المركبة هي اللغة وهل الإنسان يختلف عن غيره في تكوين الأصوات والإتفاق على معاني لأشياء معينة باتفاق جمع من الناس؟ الأسئلة صعبة جدا ولكن ما أردت أن أؤشر إليه أيضا, هو ضرورة العلاقات الإنسانية بيننا. وإذا 

 كانت عميقة سمحت لنا أن نعرف ذواتنا أكثر وإخراج ما في الروع بغير خوف من العقاب أو النبذ أصلح لنا صحيا وفكريا وتطوريا.

حاول أخرون في أواخر الثلاثينات في القرن العشرين أن يفعلوا شيئا مقاربا وكان ذلك في زمن انتشار مفهوم النظرية الجرثوميةحيث

 أخذوا أطفال يتامى وكذلك أبناء أمهات في السجن ووضعوهم في مكان حيث يتم إعطائهم الأكل وتوفيرهم بالأماكان النظيفة حتى لا تأتيهم الأمراض من الأخرين. لم يسمح للناس زيارتهم ولا اللعب معهم وكانوا منفصلين عن بعض. كان نسبة المرض يزيد لديهم وكانت أتفه الجرثومات تسبب لهم آفات كبيرة وكان نسبة الموت للأطفال 75% من نفس الأشياء التي خافوا أن تقتلهم. قد يكون هذا الموضوع ليس متسقا مع العنوان ولكنه يفتح باب نقاش علمي واسع بدأ يأخذ مكانه في الجامعات العالمية وهو العلاقة بين الجهازين المناعي والعصبي. نرجع ونسأل هل اللغة فقط تهدف لكي تجعل النقاشات تدور بيننا أو أن نفكر مع ذواتنا أو أن تسمح لنا أن نعيش؟ ولكن ما هي اللغة الأولى؟ هل بدأنا في الحديث كي نتجادل أم كي نفتح بابا لعقولنا؟ الموضوع عميق وصعب.

When human understanding fails to understand with the tools to understand!!!

We understand that mammals share with us the limbic part of the brain. Keeping in mind that the part related to emotions and pleasure and also motivation is this. It has been extensively studied and its presence correlates with the warmth provided to infants by mammals. There is a beautiful term, limbic resonance, which defines the phenomenon that is provided to us by the limbic brain, and that is to sense many cues in the other fellow species and get an emotional stir within ourselves that help us guide our actions. We human feel and react upon our feelings. The wide range of emotions is not the topic to be addressed by this writing. A rather staggering topic is what I am willing to touch. I am still wondering whether it is a pathology in this part of the brain, and it also makes me stare in wonder whether our daily experiences could indeed alter this part of the brain to the point that it completely alters the known functionality and make it be conducive of evil and not good.

Most of us had been raised by humans who indeed cared for us by providing food and shelter. We needed to be kept away from peril and they did. We needed to be fed to sustain our physiological functions and our needs were met. Many bonds are created between humans just based on a good that is done between them, and we thank the limbic powers we are endowed with to allow the evocation of this phenomenon. As babies, we don’t rationalize the doings of our parents and do a cost-and-benefit analysis, thinking by using a paper and some charts to understand whether they indeed care about us or no, but since we realize that they sustain our essential needs and don’t put us in peril that may threaten our lives, we conclude that they deserve to have deep connections with us.

A person, who got all this and created all these connections then goes to a place in which he is fed ideas that are just abstractions, which seemingly are strongly connected to biased rationalizations, starts to experience internal changes of attachment towards the providers of the environment that sustained his life. Overtime, this person starts to rationalize that they used to take good care of him to control him ( and this is not an absolute bad thing) and he is fed weird notions that alienate him from his primary providers more and more. With numerous experiences that alter his neurological functionalities, internal realizations, world understandings, relational situations, and many more, along with that comes many experiences that are meant to shape him in a certain way. The intricate happenings that take place in the brain in an amazing yet frightening way could lead a person to sever all the human connections built strongly throughout life, rendering this person is even ready to end his primary providers. 

محاولة في استعادة الحوار!

كثيرا ما ننتقد طريقة حياتنا عندما نرى أنفسنا منشغلين مع هواتفنا جاحدين التجماعات سواء العائلية أو غيرها. نحب أن نوجه النقد ولكن نادرا ما نحاول فهم السبب وراء ذلك.

عالمنا اليوم متداخل بقوة ونرى ما يحدث في زاوية العالم وتتعاطى معه إنفعالتنا وبالتالي يتولد لدينا بعض الأحاسيس الخاصة بنا والتي في بعض الأحيان نحاول أن نطرحها للناس. الإشكال يأتي عندما نطرح فكرة جديدة أو خبرة جديدة وبدلا من أن يسمعك الأخرين, ترى منهم التوبيخ وعدم قول طرحك. بعد ذلك ومع مرور الوقت يفضل عقلك أن يتمسك بما هو بين يديه وما سيتعاطى معه بدلا من أن يلقى توبيخا وتبدأ الهوة أن تتوسع.

أساسا الحوار هو بقبول طرح الأخر والصدق في الطرح. عندما نرفض كل مالا يوافق فكرنا فذلك يزعج من يريد أن يعبر بما لديه. المؤسف أننا لم نتعلم حب طرح السؤال ولم يتعلم آبائنا أن الأسئلة أكثر من الأجوبة وأن الأجوبة لا تلزم عليها أن تكون مقطوعة ومحددة. الجواب ليس بالضروري أن يشبع رغبتك المعرفية وليس بالضروري أن يجعلك بلا سؤال ولكن عندما نصر على أن يتقبل الأخر كل ما نطرح فكيف لنا أن نتوقع منه أن يستمتع بالحوار.

We have a good essence.

Find humanity in everyone even those who you might realize that they digress from humanity’s essence due to certain beliefs that have been put in their minds. When we look at the time of Hitler, we realize that there were some warden who were kind with the prisoners, yet they can’t go against the ruling of Hitler so we can’t just judge them to be evil just because they are following his command because they themselves are afraid to go against him, for if they go against him they shall be slain. It is well known that the prime goal of an individual is to maintain survival and boldly going against such a person can cost your life, so in that situation, an average person is not expected to act heroic and rebel against a person in control of all buttons of the empire. It happens in many situations, including societal ones and even emotional ones. We might find people who might deal with you aggressively in the presence of some higher ups because their higher ups expect them to be crude with people, but when they are alone they regain back their humanity and act in a cool humane manner. This brings us to another big question, which questions the amount of freedom we have and to what extent are we indeed free. Many shackles are put upon us and we act based on the possibilities that have been allowed to pass these shackles, yet there were a lot of possibilities that have been taken away due to these shackles. It happens in many aspects and if one is inclined to generalize, we shall then find ourselves not accepting any good from any human for their mere partisan stance to a certain coercive notion. Yet, with all this understanding, we don’t disregard the factors that make a society susceptible to be more prone to create individuals that function in a certain dehumanizing way in order to control people.

We kill! But Why?

We allocate money for important things. At times it is to develop a certain idea, to initiate a certain project that can function in many ways. It could be a project of waste recycling, it could be a new roundabout or anything else. At times we do invest on things that shall help prevent impending danger. An expected flood is treated by creating an intelligent system of allowing water to flow without causing damage, or it could be a certain awareness project to teach people how to use water, dispose waste, share certain public places, or anything that would be of societal benefit.

Looking through history, we realize that humans have been dangerous towards other humans. We have been conquering each other’s lands and exterminating each other. I think it would be wise to invest upon studies to understand why we have some dormant animosity towards each other that gets free in certain situations. I do realize that many shall say that is what the field of social sciences is doing. That’s what psychologists are doing. The question is are we really investing on unbiased social experiments or some people are funding social scientists who carry similar notions and by that are ready to skew date to reach certain conclusions that have been determined prior to the study.

Some simply jump and say since we are species that evolved, then we are just creatures bound to seek survival and protect themselves from any expected danger, so we annihilate our fellows. We should realize that most of our exterminating of fellow beings is not due to concrete dangers but it is for certain abstract notions that we hold strongly dear to ourselves. So it is our neocortex that is directing our lower brain parts and in some cases it could be the way around but massacres could hardly be guided by the lower brain regions but by the higher ones, or maybe they are implemented by orders from the neocortex, which received orders from the lower brain regions. Often, we don’t kill because of concrete danger but due to abstract notions.

Think on this more!!!!

Humble yourself and admit to a degree of uncertainty

Too much of something is harmful, a long-living adage that many wise people reach. We hear many people repeating it, but not all practice its implications. It might be that what we consider too much is a matter of controversy since it is a relativistic matter. Everyone gauges things from a certain internal perspective making us differ in what is too much and what is in the range of normalcy. At times people believe that they are in normalcy while other people feel that they are exceeding limits, so who is to put limits? We all have certain things we are certain about and that is what freedom is; it is to allow people to have certitudes, without clinging on certitudes of annihilating others neither should they impose them upon others. We all live different lives, we all reach conclusions due to inner alterations, partially instigated by external matters. Agreeing that your words might appear wrong for others, yet find confidence in yourself that they are right for you is key for internal peace in some sense. Being around people who also do agree that you might reach different conclusions and you have the right to internalize them deeply without harming anyone is a right you must enjoy and this shall create an overall healthy society.  

Internal Turmoil

A predicament makes it way in our life and it takes our belongings or people who were part of our daily life. We loathe it and feel so hurt that we wish to end ourselves. IT destroys our routine life and provides us with a situation very different from what we had. It is a miserable removal from our comfort zone. We hope to end ourselves but we realize that life still deserves us and it also expects from us and by that we work to alter our state of mind to be able to comport with the situation, and maintain sanity but it is not an easy work.


We start to feel apathetic towards whatever reminds us of our earlier state since we feel sad the moment we grow nostalgic. We may detach ourselves from everything thinking that that is an objective way to heal yet we are forced to do so due to the constant afflictions upon us.
We come to understand that indeed everything can be lost, and the only thing that remains is our ridiculous naked beings.
A person who has strong positive convictions can be able to through such a tunnel and realize many things and come out well refined.


Or minds are malleable and attaching hardships to lessons is a great thing for our hearts and minds. It provides a lesson for the person suffering, but a lesson of depth which may be an abstract powerful notion that is not tangible. For those who expect tangible acquirement after going though hardships, they will even suffer more as they realize that their situation might be getting harder seen from an apathetic objective lens. We are well aware that the world which is guided by macro-physics is functioning upon material causal pathways but other files are more interconnected having various factors in action.

Artists and Orchestra performers... Creativity and Understanding!!!!

Those who have pondered for some time in how their thoughts shape their lives or those who studied neurology from a neuroplastic perspective shall both agree that our brains are wired by what we focus on for long and it affects our neural connections. When we constantly act in a certain way, that neural path is strengthened and overtime it becomes what we react upon automatically and some people call it the subconscious. A process called facilitation in which even a small stimulus may evoke a reaction from a neural pathway that is highly strengthened.

With this, we realize that we are active in forming how we should be over time. It is not an easy task to rewire your brain, for we are able to change our minds easily, but our brains don’t change as fast as our minds. The transition state is hardest as we are stuck with notions of certain reactions and we are willing to develop a certain reaction, so we find ourselves torn apart in this development tearing situation.

If you agree with what I wrote so far, then we realize that our reactions affect our environment and they (our reactions) do form us even more, so it is a multifarious actor. With this, we shall also agree that the actions we carry shape how we think and how we look at life in general and it also affects our communication with our fellow humans and other species.

A performer in an orchestra is a person that really amazes me since she is able to perform her role in a sole way, yet adding to the ultimate masterpiece that is performed by the group. I think that the brain of an orchestra performer is really one of understanding and patience. A person who is able to add a part in a bigger picture and at times feels that her performance is just at the background, yet she maintains patience and realizes that she is part of the overall beauty being presented. One might argue that these people rehearse a lot before performing on stage, and this actually makes my point even stronger. A person who constantly practices her brain to function at an individual level and be part of a group is one of high communication and empathy for sure. I have always wished to talk to a performer and ask how this affects their daily life.

The other person who is really a person of patience and wonderful in step taking. An artist is a person who starts a sketch with a scratch and her mind still holds a belief that at the end this will be something appealing. Taking small steps and adding to the overall beauty is indeed a work of art. I think that an artist is a person who is open to listen and understand. Artists have a lot in their brain, and the great wiring inside them allows them to bring many notions into action at a time. It reflects in their behavior since they appear to be so attentive when they focus as they address topics by taking many factors in action of the situation. An artist, at a certain age, starts looking at life from an artistic perspective, and what is beautiful life if not a piece of art. She has the ability to always wait for the bigger picture and realize more than others that what might appear as discord at a level is an accord at a greater level. The mind of an artistic human is one that realizes that small blemishes can add beauty but patience is needed to understand the presence of a blemish.

With this, I would conclude a rather harsh conclusion. In a culture that prohibits orchestras, we would hardly find people who are really willing to work together in a symphonic nature. One might argue that even orchestra performers are not a lot in the world you find more developed. I would appeal such people to read about something called vicarious feeling. We have mirror neurons and when we see hundreds of thousands being part of an audience attending an orchestra, we realize that these people draw beauty from that action. We see them weeping in joy and amazement by the synchrony presented by the performers. Cultures that prohibit this will have humans that are so narrow in their goals functioning in an individually selfish way.

Again, a culture that deems art to be the work of the sinful, is none but a mentally infertile culture. Artists have always been the pioneers in realizing depth in matters and understanding the functionalities of things which the general public may find useless. Artists find a purpose in everything and their perspective beautifies what seems mundane. Such beings are more able to understand even the presence of suffering in a humane way. Artists understand that suffering can be a fuel, but an artist will never invite suffering for they realize that suffering that brings itself is what acts as a fuel but that that imposes itself is nothing but a hindrance. Works of art are translations of emotions and deep feelings and a culture that prohibits art for any reason does nothing more than promote superficiality. An artist realizes that there is no one cause and effect but many causes act together to come up with a beautiful outcome which also may seem terrible to some, but they still find it beautiful. An artist thinks holistically and not in a linear way, and with this we understand that a culture that goes against art is one that seeks to control its people since art practices the mind to be more creative and independent. 

Notions on the basic Needs and mind distraction.

Humans will to lead a uniform life that is increasingly rewarding. We constantly try to seek what is better.  We build expectations and we live trying to reach them. Sometimes we reach them and feel the reward and at times we get shattered not reaching them. When we don’t reach them we feel disappointed. Some people have the capacity of maintaining positivity and going on while some are so prone to fall down and get wrecked. Being a mixture of frailty and strength, we differ in how we react, and that is also dictated partially by how we were molded through our lives. We differ due to many factors. Biological, psychological, cultural, environmental, and the list goes on.

We humans think and discuss and since we are societal beings, we have been expressing our feelings and trying to understand what stirs us and what we really seek. From philosophers and sages, gurus and mentors, theologians and thinkers, and today even scientists who are dealing with physics are also sharing their ideas on some of our inner stirrings. Among scientists, those who were given a lot of respect when they talk on these issues are psychotherapist, for they endeavor to understand our minds which apparently is hard to comprehend, for it is the tool used to comprehend itself and it always realizes that it leaves away mesmerized learning a lot but realizing that a lot is still unknown about itself.

Freud the psychoanalyst focused on how to make our unconscious thoughts and feelings rise to the conscious, for when they reach this level, we are able to understand what appears to be the underlying guiding thoughts which we are seemingly not overt. Sigmund Freud concluded that depression can result from exaggerated expressions of guilt and self-blame. Some guilt may be due to a certain event that took place in the past and has already sink in deep. It may send its negative powers to the whole mind and the goal is to get to it and deal with it. Psychoanalysis tries to allow one to bring up these deeply rooted thoughts up to the conscious then deal with them.

Looking at another school of psychotherapy, we see Victor Frankl, who thinks that the most intense feelings of being desperate is due to the loss of meaning in life. When you lose meaning in life and your situation is in wreckage you start getting deep into the realm of depression, but what is the meaning of life and what does human want indeed? When most people hear the sentence meaning of life, they feel that it is an abstract notion, and it is so in most cases. Humans like to seek abstract notions especially when they feel that most of their biological needs are met, but for those who are not able to reach certain biological needs and at the same time, they are desperate of knowing their meaning in life, the challenge increases in some form.

When we are unable to reach our goals or if we are not able to find meaning in what we are doing, we start to find ourselves feeling guilty of why we are alive and we start to give in with those negative feelings. We start blaming ourselves and this pushes us into a deep and dark chasm.

We are biological beings and we do realize that we have brains that guide how we feel and behave. We are shaped by our environment and by our expectations too. Looking at the matter from an evolutionary biological perspective, we should understand that we could roughly categorize the brain into three main categories. We have the part of the brain that functions for the basic needs which are food, sex, and shelter, then we have a more evolved part which is dealing with emotions and then comes the prefrontal cortex. I always think that when the three basic needs are satisfied fully, which appears impossible, one can get the ability to move on to the other parts and if there is a disruption in the three basic needs, or one just imagines that he is not yet satisfied in those three matters, we will find people who are acting so desperately to reach things which they will find in a short time satisfaction and then start the search again.

With this in mind, I would like to say that in our culture, these three things are not fully met. We find people who are so desperate to unite, but there are many hindrances that stop them from doing so. We find people who gave up their abstract dreams just for the sake of getting jobs in order to reach a soul mate. It is well known that for those who really will to live together and support each other, being together might be a fuel of development. When he realizes that he wants her to be the person to correct his misdoings or to add ideas on his goals, he will yearn to be listening to her, yet the culture stands erect between them, asking for the boy to function all alone in his path and strive for so long to meet high demands set by the parents of both parties. Parents think that that reflects their respect towards their daughters, while that does nothing than instill upon her the notion that she is no big difference from a car that is respected when it is more costly. 

We end up seeing people loving others to fuel them to attain mundane goals, and they forget about their higher goals they once set in life. One seeks a job for the sake of reaching her because her father is in control of her will. At this stage, people who had certain high goals and at the same time were yearning to unite with the other, start to face inner turmoil, of either putting down his higher dreams or reaching her. It is an inner dilemma that can drag many people to different low feelings, yet there are many who can reconcile them externally but for being a human, that person shall face intermittent coming turmoil. Normally, one wills to pursue his dream with the right person but society pushes one to feel that it is an either or choice.

Today our youth are changing their paradigms on love and sex, and they are realizing that they are not willing to repeat the lives of their parents, for those who have parents being married traditionally. For those youth, who try to know each other and love each other, face cultural constraints to be together, it is not a mere cultural hindrance, but it is a deprivation of one of the basic human needs of connection, and by that we have the basic human brain unsatisfied, which reflects on the other parts of the brain. It is well-established that brain connections between these three categories – roughly speaking- is bidirectional and when one part is unsatisfied in a certain way it will reflect on other parts of the brain. It is no wonder to find out that in our cultures, pornographic addiction is higher because there are deeper factors going awry in the minds of our youth than those in the western world. What pushes many into pornography after some desperation of uniting with someone but not being able, is that the internet is greatly accessible while what they might be seeking in real world is seemingly out of reach, so they seek what is easier. It might appear to the reader that I reduced the connection matter into a sexual act. It is well known that when one is interested in the other and delves too deep, there is a mixture of emotions that is experienced, and the sexual dimension is naturally instigated. Some biologists also proposed that our minds are sexual tools and they are also part of the courting mechanism.

Many people reduced these addictions to the mere reason of being visually stimulated when you go outside, but if that’s the reason, we would see low numbers of such an addiction in our countries, yet we are seeing the exact opposite. The brains of many remain unsatisfied and by that they seek satisfaction in a different way, and once they get hooked up in this vicious cycle, they turn into pornographic addicts, and yes it is an addiction which shares the same functionalities of addiction of something like cocaine.

As long as we go on with our weird cultural constraints and our hateful system that makes a girl’s choice restricted upon what her parents filtered, we should expect more nonfunctional youth who have many chances of development ahead of them, yet they feel that they are not full humans and they keep on seeking the unknown. If we look from an anthropological perspective, we shall realize that humans have a feeling deep inside them to connect with some people, and when this connection is constantly being severed, we find people whose minds have been shaped in a negative way. These people start to get an impression that the world is conspiring against them and whatever they seek shall not be reached. From a biological perspective, love (sex) has been a very powerful driving force. It is evident in history and those interested can seek to probe on the matter further. 

Choosing to live with someone who shall widen your horizon upon life and support your inner experiences is life in itself. Living with someone whom you can show yourself with full clarity, pure intention, respect, trust, confidence, and above all Love, is the dance of life, that’s how a Zen Master sees it. 

إسأل قلب حبيبتي من رب العالمين.

إسأل قلب حبيبتي من رب العالمين.

كان نومي طويلا وعندما صحوت وجدت نفسي حائرا وكأني تحت غيمة لا تكاد تسمح لي أن أطير. لست ممن يعشق أن يحلق بجسده ولكني أعشق أن أرى فكري يطير ويسمو في فضاء الأفكار وجمال الخيال.

نظرت إلى هاتفي ووجدت إجابتين من حبيبتي لسؤالين طرحتهما البارحة. كم أعشق كلماتها, كم أعشق ذكائها, كم هي عميقة في حواسها. عندما أقرأ كلماتها أشعر أني سخيف ولا أجيد التعبير. عندما أقرأ لها أشعر وكأني شخص لا يعرف معنى المشاعر فكم هي محترفة في ذلك. أستغرب عندما تقول لي أنني أجيد التعبير, وأجيد التفكير, وأجيد الكلام, وأنها ليست ندا لي في هذه الأمور. أحقيقة ما تقول أم تراني بعين لا أرى نفسي بها. نعم إنها عينها , وها نحن نعود إلى أساس الجمال.

هي تقول أنها تكتب ما يلهمها قلبها وبهذا فهي خير مني في هذا. إنها القلوب التي تبصر والقلوب هي البوصلة الأصيلة وأما العقل فما هو إلى متمرد على سلطات القلب.

ساعات قليلة وقررت أن أستحضر بعض من الإدراك الروحي كي أقبل على إلهي بقلبٍ خاشع. سألت نفسي بعض الأسئلة الوجودية ثم كبرت. عشقت الآية الأولى وكأني لم أتلوها من قبل. الحمد لله رب العالمين.

عندما تعرف أنك توجه حمدك لإله يصف نفسه أنه رب العالمين, تشعر أن الجميع معك متوجها تجاه هذا الإله ولو اختلفو في تسميته. نعم إنه رب العالمين, رب الجميع بلا استثناء . أتلاحظ أن الأية تقول "رب العالمين" وليس رب الناس. كم هي عميقة هذه الأية

كيف لشخص يستحضر هذا المعنى أن لا يعشق. وكيف لشخص يدعي أنه يفهم هذا المعنى يقتل. علينا أن لا نخدع أنفسنا أن القتلة يتكلمون مع رب العالمين, فهم لا يعرفونه ولم يفرفوه ولن يعرفوه لأنهم لا يملكون البوصلة.

لا تسألهم من هو رب العالمين, إسأل حبيبتي وسوف تعرف من هو. لا تسأل ذلك القلب العنيد الذي يصرخ أمام الناس متمنيا من رب العالمين أن يجمد دماء العالمين ويبقى الرب بلا عباد. إسأل حبيبتي وسوف تدرك أن من يفهم الأية سوف يكون عاشقا. 

An anthropological conversation with Her.

     The heat outside was scorching and who left the house would for sure have a lowered focus, unless some people gather extra capacities under such heat. Inside me there was something going on which is not so similar, but some people find it to share traits with the heat effect outside, but how can people figure a deep atmosphere within me which I am not able to grasp fully. Humans like to judge others, for that allows them to categorize and by that they can follow simple rules to interact with others. We like to judge but find it unpleasing to be judged.

     There was something lingering in my subconscious which I couldn’t really understand or touch. It was in no way concrete. I believe it was an abstract notion which I am even unable to put it in words. I chose to utter them in a general seemingly bleak way and see if it could be addressed.

I greeted her and asked if she could lend me some moments from her precious time, and she accepted happily. I went on asking “To what extend do you form your own notions, and compare it to the advises of others”? (I just said others without pointing to who are these others)

She asked for further clarification of what I was seeking to know, and it is no wonder that a person who is serious in answering something wants to understand what is asked at first. She thought it was a matter of comparison so she chose to get back to certain basic principles she had and thought that sharing it might help. “Are you evaluating their advice with your notions?”, she asked and went on “Sometimes a new advice might clash with your beliefs, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a good one”. It is clear that people who experienced deep mind altering ideas that made them change some notions in their lives realize that sometimes their paradigm might not be the best, even if it suits their lives at that moment. We hardly find people who openly admit that they might have lacking understanding on matters, but I think that this state of admission happens ahead of someone who won’t judge you harshly and would embrace you as you are expressing your humane perfect imperfection. She continued “So if I think my notions are narrow, I might widen them, and I really accept advice with a nice embrace, BUT I don’t act on them hastily”. It is clear that we humans have to form our own internal schema and we live upon it. At the same time we might accept changes to come, but no real deep behavioral changes happen abruptly, for everything needs to sink in along with what we have been experiencing for years. So change comes slowly for slow change in big matters is what seems effectual.

     

     We all like to make exceptions on how we take things and it is a normal functionality of humans who want to have their selves nurtured with some form of protection. We are not open to every idea very easily, but overtime we form our own principles in choosing how things should form traffic with our mind. She added, “I don’t take things so deep especially from strangers who don’t know my life”. I had to clarify who I meant by others in my question for I thought that leaving it as it is, she would create a situation for every person, for people who realize that they carry unique values understand that people are different. I replied, “Let alone people who don’t know your life, but I meant experienced people in a certain field, let’s assume in social issues”.

It seems that someone can feel that the other might be dragging one to be pushed to answer in a certain way so she chose to put an equation. She started saying “You asked me how do I form my notions, okay I form them from a lot of sources, past + knowledge + experience + bad events + what’s gonna come in the future” she added “and if the people are experienced, I might consider their advice seriously, but I will still follow my intuition and do what I feel is right”.

We humans form an internal schema and it is what guides us. We give it different names also dictated by it. This might be a philosophical if something can define itself but let’s assume here it does to avoid straying from the essence to be conveyed.

     One will feel that a person who is understanding and passionate to be deserving of love, for that feel will arise due to your interaction with that person and all that has been between you two will create an impression upon you, which you will act based on them and that is part of our intuition. I insisted on knowing to what extent she allows her feelings to guide her. She replied, “If my emotions don’t align with the advice, I take longer to process it, especially if the person was rude while giving the advice, and made me feel like I am a second class person. So it’s not how much the advice is good, as how the way you convey it”. I couldn’t help but nod my head agreeing in the greatly put point and the many underlying lessons in her sentences, but I tried to remove all assumptions of the kind of the person who might throw a notion into one’s pool of ideas and I said, “Let’s assume he is a speaker who is speaking to an audience and not to you directly”. She reiterated the same point made earlier with fine adjustments, “I take it, but still try to apply it to suit me, for I believe that my life is different, and I gotta twist it to match my current state. For me, if I hear something interesting , I would try to really add it to my routine, but still it’s gonna take time to digest it. I slowly incorporate it within my notions”. 

to be continued...

Being a Hypochondriac is a trouble.

We are all frail beings and it is our spirit that keeps us going no matter how the road is. We all realize that everyone has a different problem, yet we feel ours only because it is part of our thoughts. We think through our feelings and they shape our lens. We all feel pains every now and then for we are frail humans made up of small cells. We have pain receptors that send signals to our brain and as our brain areas perceive those signals we sense the pain. We should keep in mind another notion before I continue. We all know that practice makes you more efficient in typing, and when you are used to carry heavy objects, you get more muscular and your capacity of carrying more increases and this is due to not only the increase in muscle tone but also your brain is used to the heavy load and the brain map of persevering more load is strengthened and what they call “your will” is also better.

With this, let’s talk about the dark side of our ability to be more accustomed with things and how this can increase in our sensation which can lead to some horrible matters. A person may feel a slight pain at the level of his throat and he may ignore it and have a cup of tea and things go well with him and everything seems normal. Another guy may feel that pain and start feeling his throat, he starts uttering words to see if the pain increases as he talks. He rests a bit then inhales deeply to see if he senses anything as he is focused on his throat. He senses a slight pain, which might be due to the high focus and the intense thing he is doing to test his health. After that, the brain map that senses signals from his throat gets stronger, and he adds more focus on it, he starts to feel more at that level. Overtime, as he drinks a glass of water, he starts to sense the water moving in bumps at his throat level.

I am not trying to call people to be so reckless and ignore every feeling and track how their body functions, but our high vigilance can do us a lot of damage, for when we get engrossed sensing ourselves this way, we enter a cascade of self diagnosis…..  TO BE CONTINUED 

Victimizing when flaws overwhelm us.

Our ego is automatically built based on our daily experiences, and over time the boundaries we create to make it stay protected is built as well. I read some news about a Danish girl who was shown some videos of ISIS and her friend was telling her about it. She was fooled and she killed her mother, with her friend as an accomplice in the murder. The person who wrote the story went on blaming the ISIS group of playing with the minds of innocent citizens in highly developed countries like Denmark.

My note is that it seems that every human being tends to ward off the responsibility of a bad act from himself. We find out that people tend to victimize external factors and fail to address the deeply connected issues that underlie a certain action, but human beings in general don't have the capacity of being so diligent in every issue so we tend to victimize as a short cut. Without knowing her health status, her relation with her family, her connection with her mom, whether she has friends, and so on. When feeling so defeated, the news writer pushed the blame upon the videos she has seen.

We all are aware that visual stories and incidents can have a great effect on the human mind but is it right to reduce big movements taken by a person to the mere viewing of some videos. 

Spatial consciousness

I have been entertaining a notion in the background of my mind and I have been procrastinating to take the step and jot it down. Let me take a new way of writing in which I will present an example then follow with an explanation. When you immerse yourself in a paper whether it is one of academic nature or something that is amusing you, it might be a book not a paper, and you find yourself engaged with the writing for a long period of time. If something comes in your way and you are urged to move from that place and go and do something else, you might be feeling out of place a bit. If you get back to your place after a short while, you will feel that you regained yourself fully and you are back to who originally you were. You should be experiencing this feeling unless there are exceptions. I came out with a fancy term which is “spatial consciousness”. I define this term as the consciousness that is formed in a place and as you leave the place it might hang with you for some time, as it is trying to drive you back, and at the same time, it might give you some feeling of discomfort, as it needs some active will to shift your focus to something else. When you get back to the place you formed it, you feel fuller and you can reap more benefits from the thing you were engaged with.

I think that my words can get along with some neurological findings since neurons that fire together are wired together. When you get engaged with something in a certain place, the whole neuronal firing will form a certain neural circuitry which will be reactivated once you get back to the same place due to facilitation. If the happening was one that also released a certain level of dopamine then the consolidation might even be stronger. 

An Advice to a neurotic intelligent dude

People with wide imaginations are those who mostly suffer from disappointment. As your expectations get too high, you suffer when you don’t reach what you have been willing to reach. Those who delve deep through themselves to understand what are their real drives and start to suffer from the reality in front of them as it is hard for them to make noticeable changes. Some of them start getting too hypersensitive and every feeling they experience, some might be somatic and some psychological, is put under the microscope of scrutiny. Such people start to feel detached from the external environment, not finding anything stimulating out there, and by that they may develop an obsessive inner feeling, a feeling of trying to know every movement in their body, a hypochondriac nature might arise too. Even as their hair follicles get moved due to sympathetic stimulations coming from the adrenergic nerves, they start to wonder what’s going on with their bodies. It might be due to another underlying belief, which is they think that they have overwhelmed their minds, and things are starting to get awry, as they are thinking on every single thing while others are not as fastidious as they are. As people make them believe that they are over using their brains, they might start to believe that that might have indeed got close to the threshold of sanity starting to step into the realm of the insane.

I think that such people in many cases try to assuage their hypersensitivity and at the same time they don’t want to avoid some of the things they find brain rewarding and attitude developing. They might seek advices here and there and sadly they might get the advice that tells them to avoid reading a lot or thinking a lot. This advice is partially correct but it actually makes them reach another feeling of demise. The ones who present such advices are people who are accustomed to generalizing as they didn’t put restraints on their advice. It should be don’t think a lot in doom, but keep thinking on other things. It should be don’t deluge yourself with negative realists who make you picture the world as it will end after moments and it will be an end in which you will see your intestines hanging in front of you and the rest of your family being crucified by the pipes of your toilet, and the one who might be behind the plot against your family was a brother you never knew. So oversimplified advices are bad in their essence having a beautiful coat. If those naïve advices are taken, our neurotic intelligent dudes might get back thinking that they are put in a hellish dilemma either to choose to stay average and fine or try to get more but sacrifice your sanity. I think the accurate advice to present for such minds is to make them try to realize how immense the world is and that the feeling they are feeling might be due to certain happening in their body, which shouldn’t be negative ones, but it is their hypersensitivity and keen focus that might make them feel every twitch and their dark perspective might make them imagine that this twitch is one alerting him of an impending catastrophe. 

They should be told that continue reading but do realize that what you might agree with today might not appeal you tomorrow and never to think that you have known everything. They should be taught to diminish their hypersensitivity about their impending sickness by engaging in readings that can be technically informative or anthropologically important but not things that might make them question their sanity. They should be praised that their heightened focus is not a complete dark issue but it can be tamed and it will have great rewards and it will allow him to excel further.

I think behaviorists who advice such people to avoid thinking or reading, are providing a very drastic shortcut that might reward our dudes for few days and what will strike them after that might push them to a deeper chasm. 

Our dreams and our mood

I feel that the content of our night dreams have a great effect on the mood we wake with. When someone is dreaming, his brain regions get activated yet another region which stops our body from reacting to our feelings is active too and this stops us from acting upon them. Some people have anomalies in this region and such people are prone to injuries during their sleep.

With this, we understand that our body is affected by what is going on in our dreams so for sure our emotions will be affected as well. Dreams I believe tell us a lot of what is there in our subconscious as well as what our mind had in it the whole day, so it is a summation of all that we had to the point before sleeping. As we dream, we interact with the dream yet our bodies are still, but I believe that our emotions are played with during our dreams and that’s why we find all kinds of results when someone suddenly wakes from his sleep. Some wake up so frightened, while some wake up with a smile and the list goes on.

 So I think that it is valid to say that someone woke up with a bad mood and the reason behind it could be his/her dreams. I think that a kind of solution is a thoughtful ponder trying to realize that it was a dream and in dreams one has no full control of every event taking place, but after waking the person has better control and by that one should be able to acquire some soothing feeling, by understanding that he again gained control of the happenings ahead of him.  

Some notions on Polygamy

Polygamy is defined to be the state of being married to more than one person at a time. It is a practice that has been prevalent in many cultures through the past up to the present. Looking at marriage from a cultural point of view, we realize that procreation is the most integral aspect, to the point that the wonderful sexual sensation is undermined. Many cultures have been circumcising the female and this makes them lose a great amount of sexual excitement, and actually some records show that the reason behind circumcision of female was to make a girl not experience sexual pleasure which may push her to seek something extra-marital.

It is well known that men have been dominant over women for a long time that marriage was in most cases controlled by men and till today the same goes on in many cultures. This is what made polygamy to be mainly a practice of men rather than female and at the same time the biological make up of men gives them the priority to be polygamous, while female can hardly be polygamous. Looking at the issue from an evolutionary perspective, we realize that the male in most species seeks partners to make the most of their genes to be passed to the next generation so they seek mates and indulge in sex for pleasure and procreation, yet some other aspects are still not clearly understood. We humans, have a more developed prefrontal cortex and we appear to be the only species that consciously thinks on many steps and aspects of life. We are the beings that ponder the big questions of life and also choose mates based on many reasons today.

With this, I can say that how people look at polygamy shall differ on how people look at the purpose of marriage. People who think that marriage is only commitment and procreation shall accept the idea of polygamy because polygamy will allow you to procreate more and blend your genes in more than one partner, and in cases that one wife might be impotent, one can still procreate by the other partner, and all under the veil of marriage. People who look at marriage to be a bond of many dimensions, a bond that involves love, care, respect, mutual development, mutual helping, experiencing novelty together, growing together, experimenting the sweets and bitters of life together, believing in finding yourself in the other (and many other issues) and one should be fully committed to one person for the whole life and feel all feelings only towards her are rare in this world, and this are the ones who don’t accept polygamy and at the same time avoid to be part of any extra-marital relationship.

One might object that these people are rare, pointing at the western culture, but if you look closely at the western culture you shall realize that there are so many differences. The western culture regards marriage to be a responsibility to live with a person but in most cases they are rarely committed. We see people who indulge in sex from when they hit puberty and they keep on having new partners and breaking up till they pass 30 years of age then they consider the idea of marriage. Yet some still continue to have extra-marital sex but they don’t marry those people. Nowadays, we came to learn of terms that can be hardly accepted by people who truly know something about commitment and sacrifice. Terms like “having sex for fun out of marriage” for the reason of change, or a term like consensual sex. These are terms that are absent in the Arabic world, at least publicly. In the Arabic culture, a man who is truly committed to marriage will hardly seek sex out of his marriage. With this, we can understand why polygamy is higher in the Arabic world and lower in the western world. There is an incident that happened in Tunisia a while ago, when Tunisians started to allow the French culture to take over their Arabic one. There was a man who had a wife and he was able to convince her to allow him to have another wife. He then married the next wife, but since it wasn’t allowed in Tunisia to have more than a wife, some people who knew this man reported him to the court. As he was prosecuted, the defendant’s lawyer tried many ways to show the court that this second girl is not his wife but she is just his girlfriend. The point was that if it was just a sex relationship with a girlfriend then he would not face trial but if she was his second wife then he would be punished and this shows how flawed is the double standard we acquired from the western world and many people are accepting these issues blindly.

I think that if one just seeks sex and procreation in a wife then that person will also accept the idea of polygamy, but if one thinks that marrying a girl is not for the mere goal of having sex and procreating, then one shall have a higher level of commitment and try to maintain a wonderful long-term relationship with his only wife, and at the same time avoid being part of extra-marital relations. In addition to this conclusion, one also must not compare the Arabic culture with the western world, because in the western world one can easily find sex without getting into the responsibility of commitment and marriage and it is well known that many orphanages are in the part of the world that accepts sex out of marriage because children are procreated without the presence of two people who are ready to take care of that child and be parents of it. 

Is it all about Wiring?

Our brains are awe-inspiring. We use our brains to ponder on the wonders of our brains. Our brains allow us to think of what we are thinking and why we are thinking, and even further. This organ which sometimes I think it is not a separate organ from other organs since it just goes into every single aspect, so it must be of a higher rank than organs. Some days ago, I was looking at someone who has some body deformity yet he has an intact brain that he was able to talk and think for himself, and serve himself and express what he wants, and he was somewhat old. In the same house, there was a guy in his thirties who has a severe form of autistic disorder, ( I am aware that those who are really aware of neuroplasticity will also counter my words by saying that our brains have the power of countering what an autistic brain can cause. That we can work in the right manner to alleviate the hardships that face a patient of autism) if I am not mistaken, but his body seems rather healthy to some extent. The latter was in the eyes of many to be nothing but a “useless being” roaming around the house. Looking at the issue from an economic point of view, the one with brain issues is just consuming energy and resources without giving any useful product. Literally, he is a burden.

Our brains are striking neuroscientists constantly and as they probe deep in it, they realize that they knew only an iota about it and till now, most neuroscientists who realize the power of the brain assert that they have reached nowhere deep in unraveling the wonders that this wonder provides.

Yet, today we could relate many happenings and also feelings that arise within us to certain mechanisms taking place in our brains. Cajal paved the way to know the morphology of the neuron and others refined this and searched on it. Scientists came to learn about neurotransmitters and how these are greatly entwined to the feelings that arise within us. When I come to understand some of the wonders that are done by dopamine, I question myself, how can people ask us to separate the rational from the emotional realm. Dopamine works in our brains in many ways sometimes causing certain feelings to arise within us, so when one is emotional, the brain is actually playing the big part.

Scientists today are touching many topics all reliant on the power of the brain’s wiring capacity. Neurons that fire together, wire together. If I learn to type as I am whistling, over time whenever I type, I will get the urge to whistle, cause those two brain maps were formed together and possibilities are there that they have been merged to some extent. Many habits can be traced to this aspect and it sounds so logical.

Another aspect is the opposite of this and how one can unlearn some things. When we look at behavioral therapy, especially CBT, (C for cognitive) we shall realize that therapist using this technique relied on this aspect. It feels that they had this understanding but yet some couldn’t put it in words that contemporary neuroscientists who are interested in neuroplasticity are explaining it. The process of unlearning habits is also one that goes deep into this wiring issue and it sounds so valid. So these are the steps of unlearning something and coming up with new brain maps.

First, get away from the things that are connected. If you remember a sad scene by listening to a genre of music, stop listening to that genre for some time to weaken the merged map.

Then, after a while try to separate those two things by making separate maps for each. Try remembering the scene in an isolated way without relating it to any form of music and overtime it will have its own brain map. Listening to that genre in different setting will then make your brain realize that it is not confined to a certain scene and a different brain map shall form and over time each will be following different neuronal paths.

Then the new maps are formed. 

A small notion On DREAMS

Within our awake time, many feelings transiently form within ourselves, many reactions we take due to certain stimuli, and maybe even some slight compunctions we might experience, and all these for sure have a powerful effect in our brains. Those who promote the immense power of the subconscious say that 90percent of thoughts and feelings are generated by our subconscious, a supposition I find so grandiose without powerful scientific evidence, which some may consider mere pop psychology.

At the meantime, I subscribe to the notion that our brains are made of billions of neural connections and every emotion and state is due to interactions that happen within the synapse, the area between two neurons. Sometimes many firings might accumulate willing to get fired, but due to many constraints we might unconsciously activate the part of the brain that works to inhibit certain stimuli. Some propositions suggest that when we are asleep, the part of the brain responsible for this inhibitory mechanism is not working and this allows the accumulated activation that we had in the day to start firing, and as we are sleeping, there is the part of the brain that stops our motor neurons to make our muscles function to our thoughts, yet people who have problems on this part may react to those firings.

The point I am trying to make is that what we have gone through within the day dictates our dreams to a very high extent, and sometimes when these firings happen, the notions in our brains interact with it accordingly, and with this I think that dreams tell us a lot about our subconscious state. Keeping in mind that my understanding of the subconscious is our deep internal schema in which we form not so deliberately, yet the path that we seek in growth is by our choice. Since we choose our paths of growth then we indirectly choose the internal schema we want to be formed. They say “you can change your mind in seconds, and your brain in weeks”, and this shows me well that if I change my mind today upon a certain notion, I will need a certain level of perseverance to make it fixed within my brain and in that night, I might have a dream that entertains this change and my brain at that night will react based on the tools it has at the moment.

What Do I want?

I remember when I was a child, a notion used to visit my mind and drive me crazy and I always strived to ward it off, but it used to linger and pay me visits every now and then. Yes it might have had its religious roots, but it is more of an existential inquiry rather than a purely religious one. Today, similar notions, are troubling me again and they are having devastating effects.

Before falling asleep, my brain used to wonder on how this world is filled with routine in every way of life. Everyone has his way of spending his day and night. Some people may counter my words and say that what matters is the experiences one goes through every day and not what may appear as a routine. For you to know the quality of one person’s life, you should go deep in the quality of their routine, for it may be a pleasing one. But can we use positive descriptions for routine. I am still ambivalent about this and I think there is no one absolute answer.

Those days as a child, I used to assume, if I am in heaven already and already given my place for eternity, as it is said to be, how long will I like what I am doing there. I used to sense my reactions those days. Alas, it was disturbing my fragile childish heart and I was always feeling my heart getting shattered. I used to murmur some words hoping that this thought will leave my brain.

I learnt to suppress it for it is utter blasphemy to some people but I once had the chance to express it and I remember getting a very superficial reply that made me realize that this question is a very hard one and it should be avoided. I grew and it grew suppressed in my subconscious, I was searching for the answer wherever I thought I could get one. Actually I got answers that were soothing for some time, but I would soon feel that the answers were not really satisfying and I would again feel that contorted feeling so bad.

Yes, it is the reaction that is problematic and not the mere imagination. I take a step forward when I have this imagination. I go on trying to feel how I might react if I am in the situation, for I want to know how I am going to feel, for that will keep me ready to face it at that time.

This is anxiety. When you get stressed by what is not there. When you get stressed by mere thoughts formed by your withered mind. When you stress yourself for the unknown.

Today, with a more mature brain, I suffer similar anxiety, yet due to worldly issues, and I am sure that any intelligent psychotherapist will trace my troubles of anxiety back to this ultimate one, telling me that if I deal with this one and come up with a solution for it, then the rest will follow. Today, a deep ache of “then what” is recurring in myself. I imagine myself reacting to the moment when I get what I have been striving for. I then ask “then what”. If I reached my goals and got my rewards “then what?”

I believe that this is an erroneous projection that I am making as I picture the scene in a very marred manner. Why is it marred? Because one can hardly picture a future scene with all its details and the effects it will cast upon the person who is in the situation. I am projecting my current feelings into a future happening, if it will happen. It is like I am in 2004 and thinking what if someone gives me a document of 4GB where will I put all the files.Today I can easily have it in my flash but at that time if I imagine to be in such a situation that I should have some files at the moment and go with it, I will be utterly overwhelmed. 

So, maybe the tools of my mind are what cause me to feel this poignant feeling. I am deeply anxious and I always remind myself to live the present experiences and embrace the coming more fully, yet I realized that also deep empathetic experiences are somewhat overwhelming. They are formed by an amalgamation of euphoria and melancholy. It is either I am an unstable person or since I underwent remarkable changes in my life, my brain tuning wasn’t able to comport in the right manner.

To be continued.